Saturday, April 16, 2011

Tudor Our Fantastic Feline

Tudor our fantastic feline.Photograph by Maxie


1.  Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2.  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.  Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3.  Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4.  Take new pill from foil wrapper, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of 10, if you are able.
Hold cat's mouth closed as well.

5.  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse (if you still have one) or a significant other for assistance.

6.  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, immobilizing front and rear paws.
Ask for assistant to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's throat.
Flick pill down ruler with forefinger, and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7.  Retrieve cat from living-room curtain valance and retrieve another pill from the foil wrapper.
Make a not to buy a new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered antique vases from hearth and set to one side for later gluing.

8.  Wrap in large towel and get assistant to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force felines mouth open with pencil and blow down the drinking straw.

9.  Check label to make sure pill is not lethal to humans, and down a beer to take the taste away.
Apply bandage to assistant's forearm, and remove blood from carpet with soap and cold water.

10.  Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed and get another pill.
Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard and close door on cat's neck, leaving only the head showing.
Force mouth open with dessertspoon. 
Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

11.  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. 
Apply cold compress to cheek, and check records for the date of last tetanus shot.
Throw blood stained, torn T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Locate something a little stronger that beer, if available.

12.  Contact fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrapper.

13.  Tie the little bastard's front paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table.
Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.
Force cat's mouth open with tire iron.
Push pill, previously hidden in one ounce of raw hamburger into cat's mouth.
Hold head vertically with nose pointed to ceiling and pour one-half pint of water down cat's throat and two jiggers of whiskey down your own.

14.  Ask you assistant to drive you to the emergency room.
Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers, forearm, and removes pill remnants from eye.

15.  Contact local pet store and offer them a large donation to put your lovable feline up for adoption.
Let them know your more into hamsters.


1.  Wrap it in bacon.

2.  Throw pill wrapped in bacon into the air.

3.  Experience the gratitude only bestoyed by a dog after taking a pill wraped in bacon.

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